What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 00:44
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Does being poor build better character than being born rich?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Put me off passion for life!!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do men suck dick? Me, I can't get enough
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do you believe that Jesus was God on Earth?
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
What are some sad truths about life?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
Why do I sweat (mostly on face) when I eat usually spicy food?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do men think I’m easy just by looking at me?
I was 9 years of age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
Would this be the day?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I couldn’t, believe it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why did i forgive my father ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was very sick at this time too.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,